Unconventional

by Mike Berger

I've had this problem forever and a day, a phobic fear of needles. Seeing one I lapse immediately into unconsciousness. It started when I was very young, when they took me for my vaccinations. At the sight of the needle I passed out. The nurse was pleased because they didn't have to hold me down. It took some time for me to come around. My next experience was in the Army when we went to the infirmary they try to give me my shots. On seeing the needles I was in Lala land.

After stepping on a nail, the sight of the rusty thing made me pass out but only after I had puked. The nurse in the doctor's office was all business. I try to explain my phobia, but she would have none of it. She told me to buck it up; as she prepared the tetanus shot, I saw the needle and woke up lying on the floor.

While remodeling my basement, I cut my finger with a handsaw and the cut became infected. A red streak started up my arm. The doctor was alarmed; he was afraid of endocarditis. He prescribed a massive dose dose of of an antibiotic on steroids. I sat in the examining room rehearsing what I would say to the nurse. I would ask her if I could take the antibiotic by mouth. A cute little redheaded nurse came waltzing into the room. She had a vial of the antibiotic and a needle in a sterile package. Just seeing the package sent a wave of nausea washing over me. I tried to ask about taking the antibiotic orally, but panic hits set in and I couldn't speak.

The nurse said she read in the chart that I was afraid of needles. I nodded my head vigorously. She turned her back so I couldn't see her fill the needle. While she was working, she explained to me that I would never know I was taking a shot. I told her to dream on. Whirling around she grabbed my hand and put it on her boob. My mouth flew open and I gawked at her in total disbelief. I jerked my hand away and asked her when she was going to give me my shot. I told her that I had best laid down so I didn't hurt myself in the fall. She laughed at me and told me that she had already done the dirty deed.