VAMLET: HORATIO’S DARKSIDE

by Edgar Rider

Former would be King Hamlet now Vamlet ponders his situation. How did he end up becoming a vampire.

Horatio his faithful companion is equally perplexed. Horatio sitting near a tree does not hear the footsteps of impending intruders.

The gravediggers aka the Clowns use their magic dust on Horatio.

He sneaks up on Vamlet. "Horatio is that you?"

Before Vamlet can utter another word Horatio coldcocks him from behind

"I feel funny," Horatio says as a scowl dawns his face. "But in a good devious way."

Horatio knows what he must do.  He rides into town.  Horatio is usually weak but finds unusual strength in his newfound darkness.  Horatio takes over the throne by force.  The gravediggers fight alongside their new cohort.  Horatio slices and dices his way to clear cut victory.

Horatio sits on the throne.  "King Horatio.  I like the sound of that."  He waits for a  second as if hearing applause.  "They never saw this coming." He then pauses as if having a conversation with himself. "Sidekick, my left family jewel."

The transfixed guards lead Vamlet into the room. They force Vamlet to a kneeling position looking up at Horatio.  Vamlet is still stunned by his best friends betrayal.  "What is this?  My best friend.  Why you vermin." He pauses gather his thoughts. "What spell are you under anyway?" 

He notices the gravediggers who have now morphed into clowns. "Ah yes that explains it all.  Do not fear Horatio, I shall bring you back to your former self."

Vamlet is led away in chains. King Horatio smiles and shrugs his shoulders. What was Vamlet talking about .  Oh well for now I am enjoying this.

Better to be king for one day then a peon for a lifetime.

How will Vamlet get out of this one. And will Horatio go back to being his former self. Too soon to tell.........

Editor's Note:  Edgar Rider's idea of Vamlet came from a cheesy Halloween costume, inspring the  combination of e a vampire with Hamlet. Tales of Vamlet have appeared in the Short Humor Site, 69 Flavors of Paranoia, and will be featured in the upcoming November issue of WeirdYear.

MEETING MR HAPPY

by Edgar Rider

At my job, I had become friends with, Tanya, the manager in training. She would change from here provocative outfits into her sleazy work attire. One day she asked me if I wanted to go to the strip club. This was the first time I ever met a woman who was asking me to go to a gentleman’s establishment. “I don’t know what the big deal is. Why women wont go to places like that. I would rather watch women dance anyway.” Tanya said twirling her hair.

“Okay.” I said of course ready to go.

We entered the strip club. Immediately, I noticed a huge poster, of a dancer,with the words now appearing in a movie with Charlie Sheen. This was when Charlie Sheen ,in the nineties, was making action pictures. This particular film was called "Terminal Velocity". I could see that this stripper thought she was high class and felt she was too good to be working this particular stage.

We sat at a table. Tanya began prodding me. “Give her a tip. Go get her stud.”

I fumbled through my wallet and picked out a bill. I walked over to the stage with her pointing for me to come over. I slightly slipped , while trying to put the dollar bill between her appendages.
She slapped me hard. “Dude what do you think your doing I’m not that kind of stripper.”

I walked back over to the table with Tanya laughing at me. I shrugged my shoulders. “ Should have given her a five.”

“C’mon lets ditch this place. “ Tanya said still laughing.

We ended up back at her apartment. “I need to get some thing out of the bedroom.” I immediately became excited and intrigued. Was this my shot. My hopes sank as she came back with a bong.

“Ed, Mr Happy. Mr. Happy, Ed.” She handed me the bong but I politely declined.
“BRB. Be right back.”

I stared into space thinking about my life. I don’t understand why I made such bad choices. Is this all there is. Is this the best I can do, working in a burger joint. suddenly, I heard a voice, a simple calm voice, calling me.

“May I ask you a question.”

I looked at the bong somewhat surprised. “Are you talking to me.”

“Yes just a moment of your time.”

“About what.”

“Your life,Ed. Your life.

“What about it?”

“What are you doing with it?”

“I’m in school.”

“One class a semester.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“I am a talking bong. I know all I see all.”

“So what should I do?”

“Take charge of your life, Ed. If you want to change your life. Get serious. Work hard. Stay in school. Graduate.” Mr. Happy smiled back at me encouraging. How strange that the talking bong was making more sense than myself.

Tanya came back into the room. She paused for a minute as she watched me talking to the inanimate object. I realized I had been talking to myself the whole time.

“You and Mr. Happy getting acquainted.” She looked back and smiled. “ You sure you don’t want any.”

I grabbed the bong. “What the hell.”

“Smoke me,” Mr Happy said with a grin. At this moment, Mr. Happy made a lot of sense.