There’s Only One Twinkie Left To Save The World!

by Paul Tristram

My woman is a Californian
and to my surprise and delight
when we were a-courting
she received a care-box from America.
It’s Christmas time
and she sits next to me to open it up.
It’s full of candy (sweets we call them in the UK!)
It’s full to the brim with the stuff.
Now I’m a Welsh Gypsy
I haven’t got a sweet-tooth
I’d rather eat a cold pie, scotch egg
or sausage roll and drink a beer while walking.
But I’m fascinated, this is all new to me
they don’t sell any of this over here.
So I’m willing to give everything a go
and by God that is what I do.
My taste buds are like a freshly released
moral less prison whore at a sex party.
I’m stuffing all sorts of crap into my face.
‘Mike and Ikes, 3 Musketeers, Jolly Ranchers,
Almond Joy, Starburst, Butterfingers, Twizzlers,
and then she hands me ‘The Holy Grail.’
I swear the sunlight slanted sideways
through the window to dance off its
clear, plastic wrapper.
At last I have in my hand a ‘Twinkie’
my thoughts go running backwards in time
to when a gang of us teenagers
were watching that American punk film
‘Suburbia’ back in ’84 or ’85.
And that guy in it says
“My old man’s gonna be back soon
and if we’re still here he’s gonna shit twinkies!”
We all turn to each other confused
none of us know what a ‘Twinkie’ is?
And no one we know, knows either?
There were no home computers back then
so you couldn’t Google anything.
A ‘Twinkie’ was a complete mystery
to us in that ‘80’s Welsh town.
I turned to my woman like a retard
smiling over and over again

“It’s a twinkie, I’ve got a God Damn twinkie!”

She obviously looked really concerned
I took a photo of me holding up a box of them
and smiling from ear to ear, proudly
and then stuck it up on Facebook.
Within the first hour I had 40 likes
at the end of the 2nd hour I had 70 likes
and Stevie, one of the Inner Circle
from the old days commented

“Pauly, I’m so happy for you,
I could shit Twinkies!”

But for every good break
there’s a bad break just a-waiting.
And a few months later it turns out
that ‘Hostess’ is closing down.
I’m not even disappointed though
because at the end of 2011
I did indeed have my cake and eat it.