A Number of Objects

by Savannah Stuitje

Today I woke up

And took pills

Swallowing them down easy with the contents of a can

I was pulled outside by a synthetic ringing

Sounding in my ears and I wasn’t sure if I imagined it or not

I laughed

But I can’t honestly remember if anything funny was said

Today I sat, and I walked, and I ran through a maze of an assortment of boxes

That I don’t know if I could call a home or a hell

With a sort of despair tinged with painful joy and anticipation

Today my fingers danced, they twitched and clenched

They smoothed over rough edges

They ran ragged over surfaces with too much love

Leaving each thing damp with emotion

Too much emotion

I was regretful as I let go

Today I gripped a number of objects to my chest

I let my nails bite into them intimately

But I couldn’t tell now you what they were

Because I let them all go and they left only dust on my shirt

Petty things, trivial

And yet I can’t be rid of them now

I can’t be rid of the birds

Roiling across the sky

And I could swear I hear your voice

Speaking faster and faster, your words sweet

Loving

Faster and faster

I can’t understand you anymore

Today I looked in a mirror

And I didn’t recognize myself

I liked it better that way

That girl had nice legs

Today it rained

It rained but for the first time

The world was not clean after

And I liked it better that way too

I let the polluted air tunnel through my pores

And I like to think I’m stronger now

I like the music in my head

I let your words filter through

Like sunlight through the blinds in an old folks home

Soft and melting

They smelled like maybe they had been outdoors once in the last month

And I wanted to capture them in jars

Slide stiff paper beneath them

And rush each one outside

Lay it on the grass and give it mouth to mouth resuscitation

Until they gasp and open their eyes

You can smell the earth dabbed behind my ears

And I think the time might be soon

We will leave, we will take flight

Not into a bollywood sunset

But we will be together

And I am comforted because I would know you anywhere

Even if I was blindfolded

We will be gone and people will wonder if we died

But in all my haste you will find a trail of bread crumbs

DNA scattered on the wind

Peeling from the walls like old paper

The tiles shiny with tainted affections

You might swipe at me with unrelenting bristles; leave me out with the trash

And the air might smell like lemons from a tin

But I couldn’t forget this if I tried

I feel each brick is steeped with something

The way they steam in the rain

Exorcising our demons

The air plunges down and warps the hot pavement

And I might have learned enough by now to know

When it is time to sit on my hands and let this wash over me

I think I know enough to know you have a beautiful smile

I’m not sure what else there is

But the chip in your front tooth is encouraging