Travelers Welcome

Travelers Welcome

Monday, October 31, 2011

Subject: Dear Professor….
For Matt Ryan. My inappropriate hero.

by Brittany Fonte

I could not complete my weekly writing assignment because

A) my mother died. Again. It’s been very hard trying to get her to cooperate this time and fill out the obituary; she says little and doesn’t like to brag. I simply don’t know what to say about her anymore. All the good lines have been taken.

B) my daughter is sick. She missed the toilet and threw up on the computer; it shorted. I have to go to the library to use their computer, now, and they don’t appreciate my daughter’s vomit.

C) I don’t read English; I only write it. And not well. But don’t worry; I’ll eventually go back to my country.

D) it really is against my religion. I can only study Biology. I’m a Scientologist.

E) I don’t want to upset you, but I know more than you do about the topic, and so I choose not to waste my time this way.

F) I believe the Rapture is coming. It’s more important that I build my underground fort. I’ll save you a few gallons of spring water. I’ll throw in some Spaghetti O’s if you can give me an “A.”

G) well, it’s top secret. I work for the government.

H) I’m a math major. I don’t need to be able to read; that’s what the admissions counselor said.

I) I’m only taking this class for the federal grant money.

J) I’ve read your poetry online. I don’t want to end up sucking like you. No offense.

K) I’ve decided I don’t need a degree to be successful, and so I’ve taken up nude modeling.

L) well…. It’s difficult to say. I was unconscious for the majority of this week. I’m trying to draw attention to the college student drinking epidemic. So far, I’ve got a huge following.

M) my Adderall pusher has been MIA. Or I can’t find him because I’m too busy focusing on “Halo: IV” right now. I really like Coke products better than Pepsi products.

N) the reading assignment was inappropriate. I don’t believe in multi-syllabic words or higher vocabulary. I prefer porn. With hot girls.

O) I’ve been working hard training for a marathon. It’s helpful in my neighborhood when the cops raid.

P) I forgot. I’m seriously the youngest case of Alzheimer’s ever. I think that’s what my neurologist said.

Q) I haven’t gotten my book yet. I’m not sure what happened; I ordered it at Border’s.

R) I’ve been meditating. Any moment now I’m going to hit Nirvana and have all the answers.

S) I didn’t think it was included in my tuition.

T) my dog told me not to.

U) my email isn’t working. Or my IPhone. Or the computer at work. Or the library’s cache of Macs. And I have no friends or family. I’m really a very solitary person.

V) I’ve been really preoccupied. My STD test came back positive. It totally explains the spot on my lip.

W) I took your directions literally. I DID complete the assignment; I just didn’t send it to you. Should I do that now?

X) I had no time between my three full-time jobs, my physically handicapped spouse, my ADHD child, and the new puppy that wants to pee on every surface in my house.

Y) I didn’t want to. But I’m a recovering alcoholic. This is my amends.

Z) I was so awe struck by your beauty that I couldn’t concentrate on the mundane. Can I buy you a drink? Borrow you a prophylactic? Flunitrazepam? Offer you the key to my house? (Don’t come by after 6 pm. My wife would kill me; she’s said as much.)


“Dear Student….”

(Chin mudra).

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