Sixteen Ways No One’s Written about Scooby Doo

by Antoinette McCormick

I.

On a foggy night in
September
The only thing moving
With clockwork precision
Was Mystery, Inc.

II.

The Mystery Machine
Ran on eight legs and four paws
Even underwater
—Take that, Batmobile!

III.

What flavor is courage?
Does it squish or crumble
Between your fingertips?
Even a four-year-old knows
It’s not vanilla.

IV.

Comic kismet’s prima lex:
The most unlikely
People in the world
Can be friends
If one of them has a van,
One has contraband,
And another has specs,
That could signal
Alien spacecraft.

V.

“Jeepers!”
—Danger-prone Daphne’s so astute.
“Jinkies!”
—Sounds like Velma’s found another clue.
Shaggy’s met an oogly-boogly
—“ZOINKS!”
“Scooby Dooby Doo!”

VI.

Oh, unsinkable Slayer of Sunnydale,
Trade your glossy, golden locks for unnatural rose,
Your heels for purple platform boots,
And leave your Black Belt at home.
Your Watcher should have told you
Sleuthing’s not a fashion show.
Bird-boned limbs and a bitchin’ soundtrack’s
All you really need to catch those pesky spooks.

VII.

In the Zen of Scooby
There are three essential truths
(Which have nothing to do
With Rube Goldberg contraptions
Monsters, or masks, and
Everything to do with
Cold-cut-filled fridges
In haunted mansions):
Om…Nom…Nom….
Om…Nom…Nom…
Om…Nom…Nom…

VIII.

Fill in the blank:

I miss you ____________.

a)      Withers
b)      Dinkley
c)       (Dude, it’s a trick question.)

IX.

No one ever
Shit
In the Mystery van

No one ever
Bit it
In the Mystery van

No one ever
DID IT
In the Mystery van

No one.
Not.
Once.

X.

Oh, sway-backed omnivore,
Did you raise a January paw
When Iwao Takamoto
Rode to Gardens of Blessing,
Section 3, Lot 1390, Space 3?
Cut! Print!
That’s a wrap
Forever,
Amen.

XI.

Sarah Michelle Gellar once flew to Mexico
In a flowered, psychedelic wedding coach;
Apprehension overtook her
When she mistook
Dead Chico’s only son
For Fred Jones.

XII.

Scooby loves Scooby Snacks,
Shaggy loves Scooby Snacks.
Hey, Polar Bear,
What would You do
For a Scooby Snack?

XIII.

There’s a hassle in the castle
And nowhere to Hyde
(That’s your cue, Scooby Doo).
What the hex going on?
Which way is witch?
A gaggle of galloping ghosts
Couldn’t say for sure.
Better mine your own business
Leave werewolf stuff alone
It’s snow fun and it snot fair, but
Wen his annoit half-right have erred alight full?

XIV.

According to the Alimentary Law
Of Ingestible Physics
Any food left unattended
In a Scooby Doo lunchbox
Will….  ….    …    ..   .

XV.

Everything I know about
                Somethin’ strange
Paranormal investigation
                When it don’t look good
I learned from
                Who ya gonna call?
Uh… sorry, Scoob’.

XVI.

No apparition’s ever very bitchin’
After the big reveal; so what’s a poor
No-longer-numinous slob to do,
But sigh and say,
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too—
If it weren’t for you MEDDLING KIDS!”