a new attitude

by larry jones

someone jabs a pregnant sow
with an iron gate rod,
she ain't moving fast enough.

someone kicks a boar in the head,
to prove he's a badass.

someone slams a piglet on the cement floor,
won't make weight, too skinny.

someone can't find the bolt gun,
kills a lame hog
with a ten pound sledgehammer.

fucking boss calls me into his office,
says
"you need to change your attitude,
need to smile more often."

i got a walmart happy face button,

stuck it on my hat.

GOD AND THE PC COPS

by Larry Jones

My friend Jack is 74.
Me, I'm 72,
we've known each other
since we were teens.

Back when every other word was obscene.

Jack can no longer
use the f-word.

They got to him,
God and the PC Cops.

Washed his brain.
Saved his soul.

I called him up,
asked him how the fuck
he's doing and how's the fucking weather
up there in Alaska.

Fine, he said
and the weather's good.

Jack can't use the f-word.

Now the cocksucker offends me.

BEAVER UTAH--- PROUD HOME OF 3,041 WATER AWARD WINNING CITIZENS

by Larry Jones

The article stated,

"On Monday afternoon
the body of a teenage girl was found laying
on the bathroom floor
of her high school
next to a gun.

Cops say,
cause of death
gun shot---

manner of death
under investigation

no further comment.

School superintendent says
suicide is a very complicated act.

School faculty wonders
could they have missed a sign."

The article continued,

"Beaver  is known for its 2006 best tasting water award in a rural area."

An eerie silence
over this tiny hamlet
of 3,040 residents.

Gnats

by Larry Jones

Get a cup
or a bowl.

Pour in about an inch
of apple cider vinegar.

Cover with Saran Wrap.

Punch in tiny holes.

They can get in
but they can't get out.

Now all you have to deal with
is the guilt.

eye contact

by larry jones

the cop pulled me over
for speeding,
65 in a 45.

he whipped out his little flashlight
said,

"i'm going to look
into your eyes."

he was thinking about
writing a ticket

however,

he gazed a tad too deep.

"i'm letting you off
with a warning," he said.

works
every
time.

the early bird

by Larry Jones

the robin pulled
a worm from the ground.

he ate half
then quietly stood
near the other half.

minutes later
another robin landed next to the first,
they looked at each other
perhaps they were mates?

soon the first robin flew away and
the second ate the rest of the worm.

then she too flew away.

sometimes the early bird
ain't that hungry.

lord only knows why she married him twice

by Larry Jones

well fiddle faddle elmer
(sometimes she called me elmer)
you're holding your fork
just like your father.

I wish you wouldn't do that
you remind me of him.

do you know how he got out of the war?
while he was in korea
he fell off a jeep
and broke his leg,
so they sent him home
ha, he was a liar and a coward.

your father was the dumbest man I ever knew,
he could never hold a job
for more than a couple weeks
and he was always crying
about silly little things.

you see that hole in the living room wall?
your father did that with his fist,
he was drunk and crying
then he had the nerve
to blame it on me.

lord only knows why I married him twice.

stop looking at me like that willie
(sometimes she called me willie)
you remind me of him
god I hated that man.

Hypocrite

by Larry Jones

My friend likes to
cast his hook,
likes to post pictures
of his catch on Facebook.

I scold him,
let them be, I say.
They suffer
even when you throw them back.

As I walk into McDonald's
order a fish filet.

Shooting The Breeze

by Larry Jones

Entering the Post Office
I noticed a man and a woman
talking to each other.

I got my mail
walked out
looked around.

There were two people
next to the newspaper stand
having a conversation,

a woman at the curb
speaking through the window
to someone in a car.

I walked down the street
saw a stranger parked
in a pick-up truck
with a dog,

I stopped and asked him
about the dog.
We chatted for five or ten minutes.

Just as I suspected,
people don't require cell phones
in order to communicate.

a urine filled e-cig

by Larry Jones

pissing in the toilet
4 am
the electronic cigarette
jumps into the bowl
the brain asleep as
the hand goes in
past the turds from earlier
down to the bottom
a quick dry
with the tee shirt
then
suck
suck
suck
vapor-less
dead
just a slight taste of salt

El Bambi

by Larry Jones

A sign above the door says
El Bambi since 1943.

The joint is filled with
ranchers
truckers
and the like.

A horse collar hangs on the wall
next to rusty license plates.

Drop a penny in the slot
get your exact weight
and your fortune told at
El Bambi since 1943.

Pig farmers drink their 3.2 beer
chow down on bacon, eggs, coffee and
the waitress knows your name as
music from the 50s plays.

A relaxed atmosphere
everyone is safe unlike
the cafe on the other side of town,

no one's ever been shot dead at
El Bambi since 1943.

the whole ball of wax

by Larry Jones

call me a racist
call me a homophobe
call me a misogynist
call me a republican
call me a redneck
say what you will
about an old
white
straight
conservative
american
male
i prefer
you call me
god.