I guess I'll never learn

by Ezhno Martin

My first job taught me
that pretending to be Jewish
isn't a solid long term strategy
and my second job
that adults will abuse children
in any way they can get away with

On my third job
I discovered that
even if you have warrants
the police aren't always showing up to see you
sometimes they just want a sandwich

My fourth job taught me
that calling your coworkers spaghetti faggots –
even if it's an inside joke
and you're a cross-dresser –
is rarely advisable in front of the owners
Mister and Mister Pellerito

My fifth job taught me not to eat acid and come to work
My sixth job to check the schedule
My seventh that I'm a coward
My eighth that just because I've started working
doesn't mean the drug screen came back clean

My ninth job taught me that when you work for the government
the less work you do the better they like you
I pretended to be looking for someone very important they've never heard of
for at least four hours a day
After that I ended up working job ten for eight months
where I learned how to rob the register blind and cover my tracks

Job eleven taught me that masturbating in the supply closet isn't all it's cracked up to be

Jobs twelve and thirteen were pleasant really
and not worth mentioning
Job fourteen taught me
that dreadlocks will make you the fall guy
anytime anyone gets high in a two block radius
Job fifteen that yo no puedo hablar español (es verdad)

Job sixteen taught me that if you drink a fifth of gin
you will sweat juniper poison for days

Job seventeen that meth makes you a better employee
because clean floors and walls and mop-sinks and TRASHCANS
are more important than profits
Job eighteen taught me that
when your boss is fucking half the staff
you better be extra nice to everyone
just in case your arch nemesis
suddenly becomes the latest notch on his bedpost
Job nineteen taught me how to spot a pyramid scheme
Job twenty that I sell cars like old people fuck
and that car salesmen really are the lowest form of life on earth
Jobs twenty-one through twenty-four taught me that working in an asian restaurant
is the closest thing to hell
over privileged white boys can know
Job twenty-five that it wasn't the asians fault
Job twenty-six taught me that lobbyists are professional liars
so I shouldn't have been surprised
when they lied about planning on paying me
Job twenty-seven that kindness to me
is treason to Corporate America
Job twenty-eight taught me that it's actually possible
to get a job at MacDonald when I'm black out drunk
I don't remember filling out the application
or showing up for the interview
I just remember them calling and asking why I wasn't at work
and I remember telling them
BECAUSE SUCKING DICK AT A TRUCK STOP
SEEMED LIKE A MORE DIGNIFIED WAY TO MAKE A LIVING

Job twenty-nine taught me that dreams do come true
but that they don't last if my big mouth has anything to do with it

All I've actually learned
is that I never learn
and that if you're gonna be dumb
you better be tough